It’s 2017, and unlike every year before, I actually get to mark the days on a raccoon calendar! This year, Instagram celebrity Pumpkin the Raccoon‘s owner put out both a book and a calendar celebrating the cute little critter! Naturally I got both of them because I have a compulsion to acquire anything/everything with raccoons on them. At least this resolved a longstanding desire on my part, as–for decades now–I’ve excitedly browsed the calendar sections of bookstores or the pop-up booths at malls, even scouring the internet, hoping (desperately) to find a calendar devoted to raccoons. I mean, every year there are calendars for things as obscure/stupid as cow yoga or goats in trees, but nothing for the infinitely cuter “trash pandas.”
I suppose I could have gotten a Guardians of the Galaxy calendar. WHO ELSE IS SUPER PSYCHED FOR VOLUME 2 THIS YEAR?!
Actually, early in 2015 I learned that a calendar Raccoon Criminals: Beyond the Garbage Can had been printed … for 2011. Even though I was a few years too late, I bought one from Amazon for an exorbitantly large sum (that is to say, cover price for an out-of-date calendar) to find it consisting largely of poorly edited photos of raccoons trying to make them into scenes. I was disappointed.
I’m not disappointed now, as this new calendar has cute photographs and is timely. Happy 2017, everyone!
Not to be outdone by the pizza rat from not-too-long-ago (which has not only inspired a Halloween costume, but a sexy one at that!) raccoons have decided to show New Yorkers that they, too, can enjoy the fine cuisine the city has to offer. Only raccoons do it better, because while the rat ultimately abandoned its food the raccoon succeeded in securing it. This took place in Central Park, where Anya Schiffrin managed to snap a couple of quick photos as she watched it snatch up the slice from a garbage can, scurry up a tree and scarf down the meal.
So apparently some piece of shit college football player named Jack Gangwish decided to abduct a raccoon from the side of the road and try to get a selfie with it. The animal, fearing for its safety, bit him in self-defense. His response was to attempt to capture the raccoon to get it tested for rabies. Instead of merely bludgeoning it into unconsciousness with his crescent wrench, however, he killed it. Knowing how stupid football players tend to be, I imagine he was compelled to do this idiotic act based on the recent commercial featuring Marshawn Lynch and a random raccoon pet.
Here’s hoping the knocks that Jack Gangwish takes while playing football cause his brain to turn to mush sooner rather than later.
Two amusing news bits involving raccoons in the Big Apple this weekend. First was one furry miscreant, unimaginatively referred to as Li’l “Rocky” by the writer of the article, that was found in a beauty shop and eventually wrangled by the police. The story would be more amusing if it didn’t end on the news that raccoons obtained in such a way are usually euthanized to determine whether they were rabid.
I can’t imagine raccoons have much need for eye shadow.
The second item is commentary from The Gothamist about a picture sent in by a reader. In reality, it’s a raccoon fussing with something while facing a newspaper laid out on the ground in Central Park. To the more imaginative it’s a super intelligent origami folding raccoon who reads up on human news upside-down. I like that version more. I’d like to think he’s looking up showtimes for Guardians of the Galaxy (which, by the way, is the biggest movie of the year.)
Do they still print movie times in newspapers? Man, I’m old.
A viral video making the rounds is of a couple of orphaned baby raccoons being cared for by Wildcare of the Bay Area. It’s always cute to see baby animals being cared for, but I have to be honest, I don’t find these babies all that adorable. It’s kind of like how newborn baby pandas are kind of nasty looking. But it’s not their fault. And they do get real cute, real fast.
In other news, the whole Fappening of 2014 got widespread attention from the media, so much so that even the snooty New Yorker (well, their website at any rate, which I’m surprised they’d deign to have) had a cartoon by Benjamin Schwartz (may the Schwartz be with you!) commenting on it. You can see it here.