Things I Won’t Miss About Having Housemates


I’ve griped about one of my housemates here before.  I’ve lived in this place for the past nine months and in that time I’ve learned that I don’t really enjoy living with other people.  This wasn’t quite my first time trying this great experiment; I lived with a couple of friends when I first got to Denver and that only lasted two weeks because it turns out I have lousy taste in people.  After that failure I moved to this place: a house with six bedrooms (and thus six occupants.) In that time I’ve endured the following from one roommate or another (or all.) Presented in no particular order:

  1. Morning showers interrupted by a blast of unexpectedly freezing (or scalding) water because someone simply has to do their laundry or the dishes first thing in the morning, and apparently couldn’t hear (or didn’t care about) the person taking a shower in the bathroom right next to the laundry machines.
  2. Not being able to go to the bathroom because it’s occupied.
  3. The showdown of piling trash in the bin because nobody wants to blink first and take the garbage out to the curb.
  4. My utensils, flatware and storage disappearing on me.  Surprisingly, nobody’s pilfered my food at any point, but a knife, spoons, tupperware and a mug have disappeared on me.  One would expect any of those to reappear in the sink, dishwasher or pantry at some point but they never did.  Maybe they got eaten.
  5. Waking up to the sounds of about three different people hocking phlegm.  This is Colorado, so I suppose they all smoke something.  The problem was a couple of them had doors that opened to the outside–right next to the window of my room–so I got a nice clear listen of their spitting.
  6. One of them decided to eschew use of the bathroom (well, at least one less person to compete with) in favor of just stepping outside regularly to take a piss, again something I was able to hear all too clearly.
  7. For a period of time one of the housemates had his brother living in a tent in the back yard.  That was odd.  It also meant there was one more person living here than should have been.
  8. Shouting matches between housemates involving shotguns in the house.  Then there was the restraining order.
  9. The depressing parade of new tenants, mostly unemployed or very down-on-their luck.  Once, one walked up to me with a bag of Doritos in hand and mentioned it was all he had to eat for the weekend until he was able to collect his food stamps on Monday.  I overheard another say he wouldn’t be able to cut the landlord a check because the only money he had access to was from a debit card that he relied on Social Security to periodically replenish, so he’d need to go to the supermarket to get a money order (and even then he’d be a little short.)
  10. Fat old men walking around in just their boxers.

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