Finding Work is Easy, Here’s How

The Road to Job Land.

I believe I’ve lamented my state of unemployment in the past.  I’ve read a lot of articles to try and figure out what I’m doing wrong that’s caused me to have so much trouble finding a job.  Here’s a summary of the wisdom they’re provided:
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  1. Dress in your nicest clothes (tailored suit preferred, if it cost less than $2,500 it may as well be rags) and go to the offices of where you want to work. Not just any place. This needs to be a place that based on your ample research (at least 40 hrs worth, make sure you can name every officer there and what every past officer now does) you have identified as the optimum location for developing your career. You should be able to identify and fully research at least five of these places a day. 
  2. Have copies of your resume printed on premium paper in at least three formats (chronological, functional, and targeted.) Ask to speak with the Director of HR and the head of whichever department(s) you want to find work in. It helps if you’ve checked the company’s website to confirm availability.
  3. As you get to meet with each person (do not let the admin at the front door tell you to leave or apply to jobs through their website or something; that’s how NOT to get a job) greet them with a firm handshake and greet them in their native tongue (corporations these days are multi-ethnic, and your research should have included multi-lingual business etiquette.) After some chit chat (your research should have turned up their alma maters, favorite sports teams, articles they’ve had published, and organizations they donate to or volunteer with) you can finally begin discussing your interest in working with the company and present your resume, cover letter, credit report, criminal background check, urine sample, hair sample, and college transcript for their consideration.
  4. If you are not immediately given a job, make sure to call them back semi-weekly to make sure you’re still being considered for a position, remind them of your interest in the job(s) discussed, and answer any questions they may have. Make sure you’ve memorized the org chart and interests of everyone on it, so that you can engage in small talk.  Remember that even though it may be this HR person’s or hiring manager’s job to sift through the applications they’ve received, there’s no way they’re doing that job without you reminding them to do it.  If you don’t call regularly to ensure they’re reviewing applications and letting them know that yours is one of them, they’ll just sit there are drool. You’re doing them a favor, and they’ll show how grateful they are by immediately putting your application at the top of the list of the best candidates.
  5. After every conversation with someone, either by phone or in person, make sure to send them a hand written (calligraphy is best) thank you note for their time. NEVER SEND SOMETHING ELECTRONICALLY. Any fool can use gmail, but you show you’re a refined, education, cultured candidate when you write out a personalized message on high-quality parchment. For face-to-face meetings, it’s best to present the hand-written thank you note in-person before leaving the offices. You want to make sure these are personalized by referring to something discussed with the person, otherwise they’ll think you’re just pre-writing these messages beforehand without any real thought. Form letters are never used in business and are thus inappropriate for the interviewing process. So that you can avoid spending too much time lingering in the offices after the interview but before leaving, it might be best to have the individualized letters written beforehand.
  6. You need to prepare for interviews! You need to know who runs the company, what he does in his spare time, all of the work that may come up in the position, what your five strengths and weaknesses are, what former coworkers would say about you, where you see yourself in five years, why you want to work at that particular company, what you think about working in diverse workplaces. During the interviews you must project many qualities in perfect balance. Be confident without being cocky, be interested in the company but don’t seem devoted to it, be enthusiastic about the job being offered but eager to be promoted (the infamous “where do you see yourself in X years”) without making it seem like the position is just a stepping stone, and finally, want the job without seeming desperate. Companies want people who seem enthusiastic about the opportunity they’re offering. You have to show that you are utterly devoted to working there regardless of all the other jobs you’re applying to, but don’t seem like you need the job. Always make sure your weaknesses can double as strengths! You’re a perfectionist! You’re too willing to work long hours. You’re too eager to buy into credos and organizations.
  7. Never ever lie! Lying does not occur in business. Be eager and willing to discuss the most intimate, embarrassing, and above all else, irrelevant aspects of your past. The slightest hesitation or vagueness will rightly be perceived as an attempt at subterfuge and eliminate you from consideration for the job.  Did you do something embarrassing that caused you to lose that last job, and that you–in all likelihood–would never do again?  Then you must present that information to the people at your potential new employer so they can consider this fact and use it against you.  After all, you were fired or laid off, and if one place didn’t consider you fit for employment then how could any other place do so?
  8. None of this matters if you’re currently unemployed.  If you’re unemployed, it means nobody wants to employ you, which means you’re unemployable.  Companies would much rather poach employees from other companies while talking about the importance of loyalty rather than take a chance on someone who isn’t currently working.  Business is not a place for risk taking or doing something contrary to others. 

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