RACCOONS IN THE NEWS: The Global Invasion is in Progress

Raccoons aren’t just planning to destroy the human race in the homeland of the continent of North America.  They’ve been sweeping across Europe, not unlike the Martians in H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds, and spreading the myriad diseases they carry.  Why?  Because they intend to wipe out the native species of humans and animals so that their takeover can go unopposed.  HUMANITY WILL WRITHE BENEATH THE TIRES OF A MASSIVE CAR IN A CASE OF TURNABOUT REVENGE!!!

Ahem.

So, anyway, if you’re in Europe and you see a raccoon you should scream “Oh my God (or deity of your choice) the masked bandit shall destroy us all!” in your native language while running away from the animal. Also, raccoons were introduced to Europe by Nazis.

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